Keeping It Spicy in Long Term Relationships

No one said that long-term relationships were going to be easy. Keeping your relationship alive and healthy takes work when you're committed to someone. However, many of us don’t expect to wake up one day to our sexual relationship being a homework assignment (but who doesn’t love a little bit of teacher/student roleplay, right?). 

We've got the goods if you’re looking for some inspiration on how to spice up your long-term relationship.

Don’t Base Your Relationship on Sexual Chemistry Alone

When you first get into a new relationship, those vibes are banging. You probably can’t be around your significant other for more than just a few minutes without wanting to rip their clothes off, and you likely spend more time in the sack than sitting around having conversations about your shared goals and future. 

Don’t get us wrong — sexual chemistry can be essential in a long-term relationship. The trouble starts when you let it be the only factor driving you towards (or keeping you with) someone who is otherwise not great for you.

As your relationship ages like a fine wine, natural changes will impact your sexual chemistry. Your hormones will shift, the stresses of life can put the brakes on your desire, and you will settle into the comfort of your partnership — all normal and okay things. 

But if you and your partner want to amp up the volume, you’re not out of luck. You have agency. 

Be Flexible

The older we get, the more set in our ways we can become. A lifetime of following the same routine will do that to you. But keeping it spicy in long-term partnerships requires a little more flexibility than that. 

For example, if you’re in the kitchen and your partner comes up behind you and starts gently kissing your neck, stop for a second before shutting them down. 

We’re not saying you should have sex when you don’t want to or you’re not in the mood (willing, enthusiastic consent isn’t just for one-night stands, after all); we’re suggesting an open mind — push those pending chores out of consciousness for just a moment to give yourself a chance to experience and process the moment in front of you (well, behind you in this example). 

Plan Date Nights 

Listen, we know many articles on keeping your long-term relationship sexy include the same advice. But this isn’t the 1950s anymore, and although we could definitely go for a malt and a quick makeout sesh at the drive-in, a lot of that advice is tired and dated (plus, you’ve heard it all before).

If you’re looking for ways to spice up your relationship, you’re probably looking for something a little less jalapeño and a little more ghost pepper. We’ve got you. 

Have you tried going to a strip club with your partner? There’s something incredibly hot about getting a lap dance together or taking turns watching each other be turned on by someone else. 

This advice doesn’t work for everyone (although extreme jealousy isn’t cute and can be a big red flag), but try it and see if it works for you. It can be a great form of foreplay in the right situation. 

Take a Spontaneous Trip Together

There’s just something about a surprise getaway that feels invigorating in all avenues of your life. If your sex life is feeling stale, try a spontaneous trip together. It doesn’t have to be huge or expensive, either. Go camping in the woods together for the weekend, or just visit a place within driving distance you’ve both wanted to go. 

Stop and make out on the side of the road in the middle of nowhere, hold hands on the drive, or just whisper dirty things to each other in public. It’ll do wonders for your relationship — and how much you want to rip each other’s clothes off. 

Surprise Your Partner

Everyone will tell you that the little things make a relationship special. Yes, the trips and big presents are exciting, but what you do day in and day out makes the biggest difference in keeping your sex life fresh.

We’re big believers in surprising your long-term partner as much as possible. After all, successful long-term relationships should be anything but boring. 

Here are a few ways you can do just that:

  • Has your partner always wanted to try a new position? Have they wanted to give anal a shot? Buy a bottle of lube and go to town. 
  • Try our Awaken Arousal Oil, especially as part of edging, to heighten the sensation and create more mind-blowing orgasms.
  • Buy your partner a sex toy, encourage them to play with it solo, and incorporate it into your coupled sex life.

Explore “Me” Time 

Speaking of sex toys, you and your partner should explore exactly what you like. 

Gone are the days of trial and error (or, the universe forbid, faking it). A healthy relationship involves focusing on yourself just as much (if not more) than you focus on your partner — self-care is one of the most important things you can do for yourself, after all.

You don’t have to be secretive about masturbation, either. There’s a weird stigma and outdated relationship advice surrounding self-love, as though it’s something that makes you selfish or dirty. 

We say get your partner involved. 

Figure out what gets you going, then tell your partner about it and show them how to do it themselves. Or record yourself getting off and then send it to your partner (long-distance relationship or not). 

Experiment With “Sensate Focus” Exercises

The idea of sensate focus is exploring touching and being touched as the two very different experiences they are. 

So often, we get lost in being touched that we don’t appreciate how good it feels to touch someone else and vice versa. Sensate focus exercises help ground you in the current moment and current sensation — think of it like sexual mindfulness. 

You can also involve these exercises in your sexual fantasies, especially those with a set power dynamic. Have your partner tie you up and “force” you to be the receiver, focusing entirely on your pleasure and how it feels to be touched. 

Then return the favor, letting them lay back and enjoy the sensation. If you’re the “toucher,” how does your partner feel under your fingertips? 

It’s super hot and can bond you closer than you’d think. 

Don’t Underestimate the Power of an Emotional Connection

While emotional connections aren’t that important in short-term relationships, helping a long-term relationship last requires you to be a bit more emotionally vulnerable. If that idea scares you, you’re not alone. 

We’ve all experienced some significant shared trauma over the past few years, which has not been great for anyone’s mental health and certainly not made us feel super sexy.

Keeping that emotional connection open with your partner, especially during times of struggle or the general hustle and bustle of life, takes work (and sometimes psychotherapy). Start small by maintaining eye contact with your partner when you have sex.

Play a New Game

Long-term relationships can get stale, but finding ways to spice them up on your own can be overwhelming. That’s why incorporating a new game with set rules into your love life can help keep it fresh without putting too much pressure on you. 

The fun part is that nearly any childhood game can be made sexy. Need some ideas? We’ve got you:

  • Sexy Twister — Try taking your clothes off, lubing up, and contorting yourself into fun positions with your partner.
  • Sexy Jenga — Write different tasks and challenges on some of the Jenga blocks (for instance, take off your underwear or suck your partner’s nipple).
  • Role-play cards — You can either buy or make these yourself. Draw a card, then role-play whatever is suggested.

Build on Foreplay

In any long-term relationship, there is a tendency to get straight to business instead of enjoying the build-up. Whether this is due to a perceived lack of time or force of habit, it’s not doing your sex life any favors. Set aside time for foreplay only and take penetrative sex off the table! 

Or set a timer before getting it on, and challenge yourself to keep the foreplay coming until the timer goes off. There isn’t anything more exciting than having your partner beg you to have sex with them. 


Long-term relationships can be challenging, and anyone that tells you otherwise is lying. However, keeping it spicy doesn’t have to be a chore. Keeping your sex life alive with your partner can be a super fun journey. Welcome to your new relationship goals. 

With these relationship tips to get you started, and the desire to build something with your partner, you can’t go wrong!

Looking for more advice? The Foria blog is full of tips, guidance, and answers to questions you may not have known you had 😉


Love, Actually: The science behind lust, attraction, and companionship | Harvard

Self-care has never been more important | American Psychological Association

Sensate Focus | Cornell

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