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Oral Sex Tips To Blow Your Partner's Mind, Part 1

Gotcha! If you’re looking for a “how to give good oral sex to a person with a vulva” guide, this probably isn’t it. 

Stay with us here. This blog is about the process of learning how to give – and receive! – good oral. It’s a subtle distinction, but important – because good oral is subtle. Every vulva is different. Every person with a vulva is different, and those uniquenesses mean that there is no one-size-fits-all approach to how to perform oral sex. What worked for your last partner may not work for your current, and there’s a critical difference between just “getting off”, and the deeply fulfilling orgasms possible with oral sex. 

So if you’re looking for the One Specialized Trick to becoming a master of oral pleasure, know that it isn’t a particular technique. It’s learning how to listen, and discover, and become exquisitely aware of the particular body in front of you, and the whole person in that body. Which, when you think about it, is the real key to fulfilling sexual intimacy overall. It’s not just about our genitals – it’s about people, in our full range of expression and uniqueness.

However, good sex has got to start somewhere. So without further ado...

The ABC’s of Anatomy

It helps to know where everything is, of course. Although different people like different kinds of stimulation, and different people’s nerve endings are concentrated in different locations, generally speaking oral sex tends to focus on the clitoris, and stimulation of the erectile tissue under the labia and intravaginally. But the clitoris is a much larger and more complex organ than you might think – so much so that if you’re stimulating anywhere in the genital region, the clitoris is probably involved somehow.

Check out our anatomy blogs for a comprehensive roadmap to the marvelous vulva:

Vulva Mapping

Vaginal Mapping: Exploring the Root

To The G-Spot And Beyond

If you’re unsure of how to find the relevant anatomy, either on yourself or your partner, try a “tutorial” where you introduce, discover and explore, providing a felt experience of how to find the good spots next time. It might feel awkward, but it’s worth the effort. 

So much of transcendent, howling, leg-shaking oral will depend on your partner – how they like to be touched, what kind of stimulation they prefer, what might be too sensitive, and what parts need a lot of specific focus. Anatomy can give you a rough idea of where to start, but to use that map, you have to put your partner in the driver’s seat. Which brings us to…

Communication. 

It might feel awkward in the beginning, but trust us, it’s worth the effort. One of the greatest and most damaging Sex Myths is the idea that a great lover instinctively knows how to propel their partner into blissful euphoria. It’s not true. Great lovers listen – and they know how to ask the right questions.

Asking questions can sound like a clinical process – not a turn-on. Trust us, though, it can be really hot. “I really want to know what feels good to you – can you show me how you like your clitoris touched?” “How can I make this feel even better right now?” And it doesn’t have to always be a conversation. Pay attention to their breath, how they move, the sounds they’re making. Even a good old-fashioned “mmmm-hmmmmm” can be all the information you need.

And check in when you notice something changing! What feels good one day, or in one moment, can change pretty quickly for people with vulvas, so checking in can make all the difference. Find your way by being curious about their body, and you will not be disappointed.

And a very very important note: “don’t stop” means don’t stop doing that exact thing you’re doing right now. It does not mean “speed up”, it does not mean “go harder”. It means keep doing exactly what you’re doing, and you’ll be richly rewarded. 

How to get it started.

Now that we’ve covered some of the basics, let’s get to the HOW. Slow, soft, and subtle is a good place to start. We polled our audience, and a lot of people favor a gradual buildup, leisurely teasing, taking your time, exploring the landscape, light tickling with your tongue or lips. The idea is to start slow and gentle while the arousal builds, which you’ll start to notice with an increase in fullness of the labia, the size of the clitoris, and sometimes increased lubrication. Think of this phase as setting the stage, allowing pleasure to build so that there’s potential for more intense stimulation (if they want it!) and still more pleasure a little ways down the road. 

Or as one of our audience members says: “start slow and soft, finish deep and tasty”.

And don’t be afraid to bring in some lube or arousal oil, because heightened sensation and less friction makes everything feel better. 

Once you notice signs of your partner feeling more fully aroused, check in to see if a change in pressure would feel good. This is when you can really start to explore blending in stimulation with your tongue, fingers, and lips. Alternating with light strokes and strong full pressure can feel incredibly powerful. 

Try changing shapes with your tongue and see what your partner responds to – sometimes a broad flat tongue can feel great, for others it may be too much. For some, a firmer, pointed tongue stimulating the clitoris might feel good, and for others it’ll miss the spot. If they want more stimulation of the clitoris, the hood is retractable so you can pull it back slightly to expose the nerve-dense glans – or it might be too much. Some people love suction as well; exploring this most excellent sensation on the clitoris, outer, and sometimes inner labia can be rewarding. As always, listen and pay attention.

Once things are feeling really good, and if you have the necessary coordination, consider incorporating penetration with fingers or a toy. If your partner likes it, the combination of clitoral and G-spot stimulation can be a true game-changer. If the desire – and consent – for penetration is there, start slow and small with 1 or 2 fingers, and then add more if they want more intense or deeper penetration. Again, this is a good moment to grab your favorite lube and use plenty of it. With certain positioning you can reach multiple pleasure centers including the G-spot, AFE zone, and cervix

A necessary note on porn: watching porn is NOT a great way to learn how to give good oral. Most of it is posed and angled to maximize what’s visible to the camera, not what feels good to the participants (no matter how much shrieking is ringing in your headphones). Forget what you’ve seen on Pornhub and focus your attention on your partner.

What if I’m receiving?

Receiving oral sex is, itself, a skill! Maybe we don’t know our own bodies very well (curious receivers may also want to peruse the links above). Maybe we’ve had bad experiences with careless partners. Maybe we’re not comfortable with just lying back and receiving pleasure; we might feel like we need to be doing something. But when we receive oral, we are doing something. If we’re turned on and really enjoying ourselves, most likely our partner is too – and if they’re not, they probably don’t deserve to be between our legs to begin with.

Additionally, we may have been subtly or not so subtly shamed our entire lives for having vaginas. We’re told they might be smelly, or that they have too much hair, or that they are “supposed” to look a certain way. It’s very important to remember that even if you don’t consciously think these things, you might still be carrying some unconscious shame about your body. That is totally common and nothing to feel bad about, but it’s also an invitation to investigate how you move through it. 

Want the lights out? Worried about how you taste? See if you can sit with these thoughts and not actually believe them, but see them for what they are – manifestations of a societal shame around vaginas. And then – relax, breathe into your belly, and focus on whatever positive sensation you can. Following your pleasure is key to being able to fully receive and relax. 

Also, a lot of people worry about taking too long. You should never feel rushed into having an orgasm - time pressure may actually have the opposite effect, and make you unable to relax. So let your partner be responsible for their needs, and know you can take as little or long a time as you need, and just enjoy. 

And if you’re comfortable with explicitly asking for what you need, go for it! Introduce your partner to your body. Name your sensations, show them what you like. The mental roadblocks can be very real, but getting past them leads to some lovely places.

Keep going! And going, and going…

Think of oral sex as a cave of treasures that keeps going and going, and the most precious jewels are deep within. Sorry for the bad pun, but it's true.

Maybe you’ve had an orgasm or maybe you’ve given someone an orgasm. Don’t stop there! Some people are very sensitive immediately after orgasm and may need to slow down, but if you and your partner are up for it, continuing the exploration and intensity post-orgasm can often lead to deeper, more intense waves of pleasure. Consider that the first orgasm might be an appetizer that sets the stage for an even bigger meal. And if you move at the right pace, you’ll have enough room for all of it. Don’t hurry along – feel your way along, and attend to your partner’s body as a roadmap to how to make the “O–face” turn into the “ HOLY F*** OMFG THAT FEELS SO GOOD” face. You’ll know it when you hear it.

And as a last note - ditch any technique that tells you one way of doing things is the holy grail. (The “alphabet trick” can stay in the freshman dorms where it belongs.) Rigid adherence to predetermined methods will very likely end up pigeonholing you and your partner into an experience that is limited in scope and variety. 

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