No one is born with the innate ability to be amazing in bed — it’s a set of skills often learned through less than satisfying experiences, especially when you’re first sexually active. Think of it like any other muscle or skill; to get better at it, you have to learn, practice, and put in the work.
There are no magic orgasmic tips that will suddenly transform you into the perfect lover, but we have a few suggestions to help in your quest to be a responsive and satisfying sexual partner — namely, listen and notice.
While these may not sound the sexiest, truly listening to your partner and noticing what is happening in their body will make you a better lover overall. The best way to enact these tips is to be present. Here’s how.
There’s an interesting mindfulness technique used in sex therapy known as sensate focus. The basic premise behind this technique is touching for the sake of touching, with no other goal in mind.
We so often get wrapped up in only using intimate touch as a form of foreplay, leaving our partners touch-starved and emotionally lonely. Staying present when touching your partner, and enjoying the sensation of touching them, can connect you on an even deeper level.
A great way to put this into practice is with a sensual massage. Have your partner lay on their stomach on the bed or a massage table, use plenty of massage oil (our Intimacy Sex Oil is excellent for this!), and take your time exploring their body and all their hot spots.
Notice how they respond — what is getting them the hottest?
Like with everything in life, skill on its own can only take you so far. Of all the orgasmic tips we offer, staying aware of your partner's wants is the most crucial. But that can be easier said than done, right?
While it would be awesome if we could all feel comfortable discussing those things openly, some people need a little more time to feel safe enough to open up and be that vulnerable. It can be intimidating to be upfront about what you want in the bedroom, especially if you’ve ever had an experience where you feel like your feelings aren’t valid (and if that’s the case, a sexologist could help).
Don’t solely rely only on your partner verbally telling you what they like (although if they are telling you something, listen!). Instead, pay attention to what is happening with their body too. Body language often tells us far more than words, so read between the lines.
For example, while some people like direct pressure on the clitoris, it can be uncomfortable or even downright painful for others. Unfortunately, speaking up and saying that can feel awkward, and it feels safe and easier to just deal with the discomfort.
If your partner is subtly moving away from you when touching them or even redirecting you, try something else instead of waiting for them to explicitly say something.
All of this comes down to communication, the common wellness thread in our orgasmic sex tips. Have open, non-judgmental conversations about your sex life when you’re not naked in bed together. Make it a safe space, be supportive, and don’t get discouraged.
Do More Oral
If you’ve ever been rushed through foreplay just to get to the “actual” penetrative sex, you’ve experienced how unsatisfying that can feel. Unfortunately, foreplay can be written off as a waste of time or put into a weird, sexist box.
If you want to be a better lover, you should get comfortable with longer, more passionate oral sex. Don’t approach oral sexual pleasure as a means to an end, and don’t dare ever let it feel like a chore.
The same rules apply to performing oral sex as with our orgasmic tips — listen to your partner, vary your pressure and technique according to how your partner likes it, and take your time.
Many people, especially those with vaginas or body image issues, may feel self-conscious about how long it can take them to orgasm. Try not to act frustrated or exasperated. Amazing lovers take their time and make sure their partners are satisfied, no matter how long it may take.
Connect to Your Body
Connecting with your partner doesn’t have to mean shutting off your connection with your own body. When you enjoy touching your partner, it increases the passion they feel from you even more.
Every time you touch them, pay attention to how it feels against your skin, too. Think of it as yet another way to stay present in the moment, and try to shut out any distractions that may be keeping you from being a fantastic lover.
Elongate the Session
Sure, there’s a time and place for quickies. But in reality, better sex comes from taking your time and increasing your partner’s blood flow in all their favorite areas instead of rushing through it.
For people with vaginas, reaching full arousal can take up to 45 minutes. No wonder so many women are unsatisfied with their sex lives, right?
Keep in mind that longer sex also increases the chance of dryness and friction (lubrication is your friend). Keep things sexy and comfortable by using lube, no matter what type of sex you’re having.
Don’t Be Afraid To Be Silly
One of the best parts of a long-term relationship is that you have a built-in partner-in-crime, a true ride-or-die. Although sex is often portrayed as a serious, soul-bonding experience (and don’t get us wrong, it absolutely can be!), don’t be afraid to be silly.
Sex isn’t about your ego, so don’t be afraid to ask questions, even if it makes you feel awkward. The only way to really know how to improve your love life is to ask!
More than just asking questions, don’t let sex get too serious. Sex should be fun, and being able to laugh with your partner if a position feels weird or you bump your teeth together accidentally makes it an even more enjoyable experience.
One of the best parts of sex is letting yourself be truly vulnerable with someone else.
Help Your Partner Finish
What good would orgasmic tips be without actually including tips to help your partner finish? It’s not that you can’t have great sex, even if it doesn’t end in an orgasm, but having one definitely sweetens the pot.
If you’ve established good communication with your partner, hopefully they’ll tell you if they’re getting close (or what you can do to help get them there).
If not, pay attention to how their body reacts — is their breathing getting quicker? Have they gotten more focused or quieter?
Ask your partner what they want before going over the edge. Whatever sex position you’re doing is working, so don’t change it up unless they’re asking for that.
If you’re having sex with a person with a penis, discuss what you’re both comfortable with ahead of time. Are you comfortable with them finishing in your mouth? Are you on birth control? Plan ahead to avoid any awkwardness or unintended pregnancies if either of you is concerned about that.
And remember, in the right circumstances, everyone can have intense orgasms and be multi-orgasmic.
Orgasms aren’t everything, but they do have some positive side effects. A satisfying sex life can lower your anxiety, stress levels, and blood pressure. But emotionally, having more orgasms can bring you and your partner closer.
Seems impressive for something that just lasts for a few seconds, right? Never underestimate the power of a great orgasm.
Unfortunately, there are no magical orgasmic tips that will help everyone please everyone. Each of us is unique, with individual turn-ons and turn-offs, so a one-size-fits-all approach just isn’t going to cut it.
Becoming an amazing lover is about communication — verbal and non-verbal — and that means better orgasms, whether you are into anal play, sex toys, or mutual masturbation.
When you ask your partner what they want, listen to them, and adjust accordingly. You have a much greater chance of creating a satisfying sexual experience for everyone involved!
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