Cunnilingus 101 with Alexa Andre

by Alexa Andre
May 20, 2026

Talk Pleasure to Me

Oral Sex, Female Arousal & Pleasure with Sexologist & Psychologist Alexa Andre

Talk Pleasure to Me is our series where we talk to experts on sex, relationships, and caring for your body (& mind) so you can get inspired on your pleasure journey and learn from the best.

Alexa Andre is a psychologist and sexologist, and the official Sexpert for Desire and Temptation Cruises. She hosts the podcast In Bed With Alexa, where she has candid, thoughtful conversations about sex, intimacy, dating, and relationships. Her work is grounded in psychology and real human behavior, with one clear goal: helping people have better sex by understanding themselves, their partners, and how pleasure actually works.

Prefer to listen? Watch the full interview on our YouTube.

What are the biggest myths people still believe about oral sex and female pleasure?

One of the biggest myths is that there’s some magical “technique” that works on everyone. People are still trying to do things like the alphabet trick they saw in movies years ago, constantly switching movements and techniques every few seconds.

In reality, rhythm and consistency are often much more important.

The key to helping many vulva owners orgasm is finding what feels good for their body and staying with it. Constantly changing stimulation can actually interrupt arousal and make orgasm harder to reach.

Another huge myth is that oral sex is simply “foreplay” before penetration. For many women and vulva owners, oral sex isn’t a warm-up — it’s the main event.

If men needed oral stimulation in order to orgasm, they would never choose partners who treated oral sex like a chore or rushed through it. Yet many women are socialized to believe their pleasure is optional or secondary. That framework needs to change.

Why is clitoral stimulation so important for orgasm?

Around 80–85% of women need clitoral stimulation to orgasm. The clitoris is the primary pleasure organ. We culturally center penetration as the “real” sex act, but that framework ignores how female anatomy actually works. Ignoring the clitoris during sex would be like ignoring the penis during male pleasure.

The clitoris and penis actually develop from the same tissue in utero, which helps people understand just how central the clitoris is to arousal and pleasure. Penetration can absolutely feel amazing, but for many people it becomes far more pleasurable when the clitoris is involved too.

Why do so many women believe something is wrong with them if they can’t orgasm from penetration alone?

There’s still a deeply ingrained myth that “real” orgasms should happen through penetration alone.

That belief causes many women to think they’re broken when they don’t orgasm that way. But in reality, most vulva owners need direct or indirect clitoral stimulation to climax.

Many people are simply not aroused enough before penetration begins. The entire vulva changes during arousal — erectile tissue swells, blood flow increases, lubrication increases, and sensitivity heightens. When the body has enough time to become fully aroused, penetrative pleasure can feel dramatically different.

What actually happens in the body during arousal?

The vulva becomes engorged with blood during arousal, much like a penis becomes erect.

The clitoris swells, the inner and outer labia can become fuller and darker in color, and the entire vulva becomes more sensitive and responsive to pleasure. This is why slowing down matters so much.

Many people rush toward penetration before the body is actually ready, but when someone is fully aroused:

sensations intensify
lubrication increases
the body becomes more receptive
pleasure expands
the nervous system relaxes

Try observing these changes in yourself or your partner so you can better understand what arousal looks like in real time.

Why do so many women struggle to receive pleasure?

A lot of women carry shame around receiving. They worry about how they taste, smell, look, or whether they’re “taking too long.” That internal dialogue makes it difficult for the nervous system to fully relax into pleasure.

One of the most powerful things a partner can do is actively reassure and affirm. Saying things like: “You taste incredible,” “Your vulva is beautiful,” “I want to do this,” “Take your time,” can completely shift someone’s ability to relax and receive.

What else can partners do to help someone relax during oral sex?

Enthusiasm matters. You can feel when someone genuinely wants to be there versus when they’re just trying to “perform” oral sex because they think they’re supposed to.

Slow down. Stay present. Remove pressure.

And honestly, communicate. If it’s a new partner, ask questions:

“Do you like this?”
“More pressure or less?”
“Should I stay right here?”
“Do you want more?”

There’s no universal technique because every body is different. The important thing is curiosity and attentiveness.

Why does consistency matter more than technique?

Because consistency is what allows the body to build toward orgasm.

A lot of people switch rhythm or pressure the second their partner starts responding more intensely. But if something is working, don’t change it.

I compare this to vibrators all the time. Most people don’t actually use the weird vibration patterns because they interrupt the buildup. We usually want steady, consistent stimulation.

The same thing applies to oral sex. Once you find the rhythm that works, stay there.

What are signs someone is becoming more aroused during oral sex?

Everyone responds differently, but one thing I always tell people is: don’t assume quiet means someone isn’t enjoying themselves. A lot of vulva owners actually get very quiet when they’re close to orgasm because they’re concentrating so intensely on the sensation.

Porn has taught us that orgasms are always loud and performative, but that’s not true for everyone. Some people become still. Some tense up. Some stop talking entirely. Those can actually be signs that what you’re doing is working really well.

What have you learned about female pleasure from being bisexual?

Honestly? The orgasm gap tells us a lot. Lesbians are orgasming all the time, so clearly women’s bodies are not “too complicated.” The issue is the approach to women’s bodies.

What I’ve learned is that when someone truly prioritizes pleasure — when they ask questions, stay curious, pay attention, and genuinely care about their partner’s experience — orgasm becomes much more accessible.

Women are not difficult to please. We just haven’t culturally prioritized female pleasure the same way we prioritize male pleasure.

What does great oral sex actually require?

Presence. Attunement. Patience. Instead of focusing on “performing,” focus on paying attention.

A lot of people make the mistake of constantly changing rhythm or technique because they think more variety equals more pleasure. But often, once something is working, consistency is what allows the body to build toward orgasm.

Communication also matters tremendously, especially with a new partner. Ask questions:

“Do you like this?”
“More pressure or less?”
“Do you want me to stay right here?”

There’s no universal technique because every body is different. The key is curiosity and responsiveness.

How can couples shift the focus away from performance and toward pleasure?

The goal shouldn’t simply be orgasm — it should be satisfaction, connection, and pleasure.

That said, pleasure should never be treated as optional.

People often normalize women not orgasming, instead of normalizing communication and attentiveness. Great sex usually comes from partners who genuinely care, ask questions, stay curious, and create safety around pleasure.

Even on days where orgasm may not happen — due to stress, medication, hormones, or life circumstances — pleasure and intimacy still matter.

The important thing is continuing to prioritize each other’s experience.

What advice do you have for people who feel anxious about “taking too long” to orgasm?

Use a timer. Many women think they take “forever” to orgasm, but when they actually measure the time, it’s often far shorter than they imagined.

Setting a timer can help both partners relax because nobody has to mentally track time anymore. It removes pressure and creates permission to fully settle into the experience. Your pleasure is not an inconvenience!

Where can people find you and your work?

You can find Alexa at:

Instagram: @sexwithalexa
Website: sexwithalexa.co
Podcast: In Bed With Alexa

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