Is having a threesome on your sexual bucket list? Have you always wanted to explore having group sex but aren’t sure where to start? Let us be your sexual guru.
In this step-by-step guide, we’ll teach you everything you need to know about how to have a threesome. We’ll also help you ensure that you’re really interested in branching out sexually in this way so you can avoid common pitfalls. Grab the lube and meet us in the bedroom!
What Is a Threesome?
A threesome is when three consenting adults have sex together. Sounds simple, right? There are far more ways to have a threesome than you may think, each with its unique dynamic.
Coincidentally, while people often use ménage à trois as another word for a threesome, this term actually refers to a form of non-monogamy and not a single sex act. So what types of threesome are there?
Types of Threesome
As we said, there are multiple ways to have a threesome. We don’t want your first time to be different than what you thought you were signing up for, and narrowing down which sexual fantasy you’re into can help make your experience more enjoyable.
Inviting a Third
The “classic” threesome type involves mutually agreeing on a third person with your partner and inviting them into your sex life. While it’s possible to pick someone up from the bar or online dating site, it’s far safer to put a little more thought into it (we’ll explore why later).
However, there are also disadvantages to choosing to hook up with close friends, so think and talk it through with your significant other.
Threesome Hookup
Although we often think about threesomes as something a couple engages in with a third, there’s something steamy about a hookup with three unpartnered people. This type of hookup can look like two friends exploring someone together, three people meeting out in the wild, or finding each other on an app. The possibilities are endless.
Hotwifing
One type of threesome dynamic you may encounter (or be into yourself) is hotwifing. In most cases, this is a relatively cisgender heterosexual scenario, but it can be found in any relationship where one partner identifies as the “wife.”
With hotwifing, the husband encourages the wife to pursue sexual relationships with other people (usually cisgender men). Essentially, it’s like an open relationship except only on the wife’s end; the other partner usually watches or will exclusively touch their wife during a threesome.
Cucking
While the hotwife scenario puts the spotlight on the female-presenting partner, cucking (or cuckolding) is more about the male-presenting partner. Cucks get sexual pleasure from watching their wife (or spouse) be sexually intimate with someone else in front of them.
Essentially, they like to be told that they weren’t “man enough” to satisfy their partner and that their punishment is to watch someone else do it for them. In many of these situations, there is also an aspect of consensual humiliation that arouses the “cuck.”
What Are the Misconceptions Around Threesomes?
Unfortunately (or fortunately, depending on how you look at it), real life isn’t like porn. Porn is excellent in many ways, but it doesn’t always shine the most realistic light on certain sexual acts (like oral sex).
Plus, we live in a society that has grown and changed a lot, but there is still a lot of judgment and slut shaming that revolves around anything “out of the norm.”
To help, let’s take a second to dispel some of the more common misconceptions surrounding how to have a threesome.
- Threesomes don’t make you polyamorous.
- Not all bisexuals are dying to have sex with a couple (we’ll talk more about this in a moment).
- Having a threesome doesn’t make you “gay.”
- Threesomes can be any combination of gender; they’re not all just MFF.
- Threesomes aren’t cheating, and they don’t always lead to cheating.
How To Set Up a Threesome?
While we wish that all threesomes would just naturally come together, there is always an element of work that goes into them. This prep work is essential, especially if it’s your first time having a threesome.
Communication
Studies on threesomes have shown the importance of communication — before, during, and after the three-way. You can’t expect your partner to know how you’re feeling or what you’re thinking, just as much as you don’t know their innermost thoughts.
Open, active communication (and active listening) is a non-negotiable. Check in with your partner about why you’re interested in having a threesome — or how you feel if they’re the one who suggested it.
Discuss the potential pitfalls. Go into with an open mind and an awareness that there is more involved than simple threesome sex.
Dating Apps
Dating apps like Tinder are an excellent place to help you set up your first threesome. However, don’t be drawn in by some common tropes you might see while window shopping.
Specifically, there is a character type out there known as the “unicorn,” a mythical, bisexual woman who just loves to be the third in a threesome with a cisgender heterosexual couple. While there are bisexual women out there who are interested in doing this, many more bi women are very tired of being propositioned by straight couples who assume that since they’re bi, they must be down for hot threesome action.
Remember, whoever you pick to have a threesome with is a real person with real feelings, and you need to treat them with just as much respect as you would your partner.
What Are Tips for a Successful Threesome?
In addition to making sure to stock up on the lube and arousal oil, we have some tips to help you have the most successful threesome possible.
Intention
The first tip for how to have a threesome is to focus on your intention. Successful threesomes are born out of mutual trust, interest, and consent.
If either partner’s intention is anything other than adding spice to their existing relationship, it can be a red flag. Is someone covertly pursuing an outside romantic interest without disclosing it? Conversely, if you just agree to have a threesome because your partner wants to, that can also lead to issues.
Ground Rules
Like any sex act, consent is key to having a successful threesome. Before you even look for a third, sit down and discuss your hard boundaries with your partner.
Don’t be afraid to speak up about what they are because the alternative is getting mad at your partner about something they weren’t aware of. Boundaries in a threesome can include anything from not having your partner penetrate your third (with a penis or sex toys), not performing certain sex acts (like anal sex), or even that you don’t stay and cuddle afterward.
Discussing what is off-limits with your partner upfront is non-negotiable, but ensure you extend that information to your third before getting naked.
Time and Place
Sometimes the perfect threesome experience falls together without you needing to plan or do anything. But in most situations, you’ll be spending time figuring out how to have a threesome for at least a few days before getting down to business.
As part of your discussions, don’t forget to figure out the time and place for your three-way. You want privacy and don’t want nosy roommates (or children) interrupting you.
Finding a neutral space can be a good idea so that leaving after it’s over (or the next day) doesn’t feel as awkward. Neutral spaces also keep any related emotions out of your home so that it can be a place for just you and your partner without any potentially conflicted feelings popping up.
Debrief
After everything is said and done (and hopefully orgasmed), you and your partner should sit down and debrief. Keep your clothes on; we’re not talking about stripping back down!
As hot as the threesome experience can be, it can also stir up feelings and insecurities. Debriefing with your partner can help you get ahead of them, allowing you to talk about the good, the bad, and the ugly without fear of judgment or an awkward conversation.
During your debrief, talk about both the physical and the emotional. Was there a sex act or kink that really worked for you or that you felt uncomfortable with? Did watching your partner touch your threesome partner make you feel some type of way?
Be open; these debriefings can help your next experience (if you decide to go there again) be even hotter.
Takeaways
Instead of just leaving it up to chance, learning how to have a threesome can help you enjoy this type of hook-up without as much chaos. When you plan appropriately and find the right third, you can have a great time while keeping your relationship healthy and intact.
Sources:
Developing Effective Communication Skills | PMC
What Is Sexual Consent? | Facts About Rape & Sexual Assault | Planned Parenthood
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