A Couples' Guide to Coming Together

Climaxing at the same time can be the definition of Couple Goals. When we orgasm, we’re at our most vulnerable and transformed. And being perfectly in sync, vulnerable and transformed together, is the definition of intimacy.

But if you’ve never managed it – which many couples haven’t – is coming together all it’s cracked up to be? Maybe, maybe not. It all depends on the two of you and your unique needs.

That said, if you want to give simultaneous orgasm a try, there are a few tips and tricks that can help you get there.

A quick note: this article mostly speaks to couples where one party has a penis and the other has a vulva, who engage in penetrative intercourse. Not to exclude anyone else, of course! 

If the two of you have the same genital configuration, or you express yourselves sexually in other ways, you’re much more likely to be on the same page about how you access orgasm – when not being on the same page is a major reason why many couples find simultaneous orgasm elusive.

And some of these tips are for everybody, of course! So, want to know how to have simultaneous orgasms? Read on.

Common obstacles to coming together.

There are a few to keep in mind, some mental, some physical.

  • Most people with vulvas can’t climax from penetration alone. 70%, actually, and combining penetration with clitoral stimulation – especially if that stimulation needs to be intense and sustained – takes coordination.
  • People with penises can climax much sooner. The average time from penetration to orgasm is 5.5 minutes for people with penises worldwide. People with vulvas can take 10-20 minutes, or even longer.
  • Lack of communication about what you need. In popular media, simultaneous orgasm is often depicted as just happening, as if by magic – the implication being that if you’re that turned on, coming together is effortless. But it’s just not true. Our bodies and needs are unique, so make sure you know yours, and share them!
  • Psychological pressure. If the goal takes over, we can forget we’re supposed to be experiencing pleasure… which reduces arousal… which makes any orgasms, simultaneous or not, less accessible.

  • How to get past them. 

    If coming together isn’t easy, or even very challenging, there’s nothing wrong with you! It just might take a little extra effort.

  • Practice with mutual masturbation. If you masturbate together, you’ll have a much better idea of what you need to climax, and where your areas of overlap are. Make mutual masturbation the main event sometime, and don’t worry about penetrative sex. Just watch and learn.
  • The person with the clitoris takes charge. This requires knowing yourself – what turns you on and what gets you off, what positions feel best to you, what timing you need, and, if what you need is clitoral stimulation, how you or your partner can achieve the best access. 
  • The person with the clitoris takes matters into their own hands. By our way of thinking, touching yourself during penetration is by far the easiest way to get to a simultaneous O. Many people are self-conscious about it, or worry that it “doesn’t count” somehow – believe us, it definitely counts, and if you’re hesitant, talk to your partner about how you feel. They might be relieved to have some of the pressure off.
  • Breathe in sync. Depending on who you listen to, this technique may convey mystical powers, or it might just get the two of you out of your heads and into your bodies, aligned in a profound way –  which is what you’re going for.
  • Toys and tools. Vibrating cockrings, wand or bullet vibes (in anyone’s hands), and even vibrating buttplugs can add that little extra “oomph” you need. Once again, don’t worry if you need an assist to boost your arousal – however you get there is great! And don’t forget the lube.
  • Count down. It might sound a little odd, but for some couples, a slow, sexy “10… 9… 8…” can add just the right kind of pressure and result in a successful launch, straight into orbit.
  • Decenter intercourse. There are so many ways to achieve simultaneous orgasm without penetration. Use your imagination, share ideas and see what you come up with – you might surprise yourselves.

  • A word on coital alignment technique.

    CAT, colloquially known as “grinding the corn”, is a variation on the missionary position that focuses penetration in a vertical direction instead of horizontal, so the shaft of the penis rubs against the clitoris on its way in and out.

    This can work very well for two reasons: it provides that all-important clitoral stimulation, and the slower thrust and shallower angle can buy more time for the penis-having half of the equation. (Or the dildo-wielding!)

    It is a bit of an advanced technique that doesn’t accommodate some body shapes, so if you can’t pull it off, don’t worry about it! But like many Sex Tricks, it’s fun to try even if it doesn’t necessarily “work” as intended, and practice and patience make perfect.

    Take your time.

    When it comes to sex, we’re generally opposed to capital-G Goals. The journey is often more surprising, inspiring and enjoyable than the destination, and striving for a specific outcome can turn physical intimacy into something more like a past-due work project than transcendent mutual pleasure. 

    In sex and in life, we can sometimes achieve surprising results by not trying to – letting go of a linear, goal-driven narrative altogether and just being where we are, paying attention, and feeling everything we possibly can.

    And sometimes success even sneaks up on us and leaves us breathless. However you get there, that sounds good to us!

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