A Couples' Guide to Coming Together

Climaxing at the same time can be the definition of Couple Goals. When we orgasm, we’re at our most vulnerable and transformed. And being perfectly in sync, vulnerable and transformed together, is the definition of intimacy.

But if you’ve never managed it – which many couples haven’t – is coming together all it’s cracked up to be? Maybe, maybe not. It all depends on the two of you and your unique needs.

That said, if you want to give simultaneous orgasm a try, there are a few tips and tricks that can help you get there.

A quick note: this article mostly speaks to couples where one party has a penis and the other has a vulva, who engage in penetrative intercourse. Not to exclude anyone else, of course! 

If the two of you have the same genital configuration, or you express yourselves sexually in other ways, you’re much more likely to be on the same page about how you access orgasm – when not being on the same page is a major reason why many couples find simultaneous orgasm elusive.

And many of these tips can be used by anyone! So, want to know how to have mutual orgasms? Read on.

Is It Possible To Come Together?

For couples who haven’t come together, it may feel like a certifiable movie myth, like I-woke-up-like-this hair or the possibility of a soulmate-level connection around every corner about to quite literally knock us off our feet (we kid — you know we have those exact movies in the queue for whenever we need a good pick-me-up).

But, while few studies are giving us the cold (or, in this case, hot) hard facts about how many or how often couples come together, it certainly is possible — albeit a bit tricky. 

Unfortunately, coming together isn’t as easy as simply wanting it, despite what our favorite steamy erotic movies and romance novels may have us believe. 

Still, there are plenty of reasons you and your partner may want to work towards this shared orgasmic experience, and we are here with our favorite tips and tricks to try together. Remember, your sex life is yours, so why not try it all?

Why Is Coming Together Important?

You’ll, of course, still experience the wow factor that comes with releasing all those intimacy-boosting, happy hormones during an orgasm, no matter when it happens. 

But coming right when your partner does can bring about even deeper feelings of closeness and intimacy. That feeling of being so completely in sync sexually and emotionally can be a spectacular feeling, elevating your connection as you bask in the afterglow together.

That feeling of synchronicity can also build romance and lead to further psychological and physical arousal, which can also come in handy if either of you has it in you to try for round two.

What Are the Different Types of Orgasms?

Now for some sex education. When aiming to come with a partner, there are several different types of orgasms you can work towards in time with your SO. 

Caused by the buildup (and subsequent release) of tension in the nerve endings, orgasms can feel different not only from one person to another but also depending on which part of the body is being stimulated. 

While we don’t all climax from every different type of touch, we say there is nothing to lose from exploring stimulation in all of the common erogenous zones to learn what your body responds to most profoundly and enjoy all the potential toe-curling, skin-tingling, heart-racing forms of pleasure you may experience along the way. 

Clitoral

Clitoral orgasms occur in response to stimulation of the clitoris. With over 8,000 nerve endings, this super-sensitive erogenous zone that rests at the top of the vulva is super responsive to touch. And there is no shortage of ways to get yourself off clitorally (hello, oral sex). 

Many vulva-havers report requiring clitoral stimulation to climax, so if your partner is getting close during a sexual experience and you are looking for a way to join them, tending to the clit may be your move of choice. To reach a clitoral orgasm, try using your fingers or palm (or direct your partner’s fingers or tongue) to press, rub, and circle the clitoris — trying out different rhythms, speeds, and amounts of pressure. 

Incorporate lube or arousal oil in your sexual encounter for added pleasure. You can also experiment with a massage wand, external vibrator, clit-suction toy, or the stream of water from a removable showerhead. And if you’ve never tried getting yourself off hands-free by squeezing your legs together or grinding against a pillow, may we suggest giving it a go. 

Clitoral orgasms are often described as tingly, localized, or bursting. During this release, you may experience muscle convulsing in the pelvic floor muscles — or even some potential squirting. 

Take your time to explore your way through the many types of touch available to you to find what builds your favorite form of release when it comes to clitoral stimulation.

Vaginal

Vaginal orgasms are the sexual release you may experience during vaginal penetration and the stimulation of the nerve endings found along the vaginal walls. Penetrative sex, fingering, and internal vibrators or dildos may all be of use in stimulating the internal portion of the clitoris or the formally-known “G-spot” — perhaps more accurately called the Clitoral Urethral Vagina Complex — all the way to an intensely blissful release.

Now, movies and many a’ men may want us to believe these are the best of the best, as this type of orgasm requires some form of penetration to reach. And while it might make traditional forms of sex more clear-cut if the type of penetration that often gets off penis-havers was also the exact type of stimulation vulva-havers most respond to, the truth is that vulvas are intricate and wonderfully complex. 

There isn’t a single, clear-cut way to achieve this type of orgasm. Not every vagina-haver will orgasm from vaginal penetration alone — and that’s okay! 

There may be a specific internal spot that leads you to orgasm when stimulated, or you may better respond to having the clitoris and vagina stimulated at once, which may increase the likelihood of orgasm and create a bigger sensation of buildup that can lead to a release that may include tremors, convulsing, or ejaculation. 

Or maybe vaginal stimulation isn’t your thing, and you are more likely to orgasm through clitoral, nipple, or anal stimulation. Just remember that there is no right or wrong way to orgasm. 

Regardless of what coming feels like for you or what part of your body you touch to get you there, lube up and bask in the process of discovery as you work with yourself and your partner to find the kind of orgasm you’ll want to seek out when playing with shared orgasms.

Ejaculatory

Depending on what type of stimulation triggers a release for you, there is a chance that a clitoral or vaginal orgasm (or a combo of both) may include a release of ejaculation, too. So what exactly is ejaculation for someone with a vulva? This type of orgasm occurs when your climax comes with by fluid release from the urethral opening.

A disappointingly few studies exist regarding vulva-related orgasms, which means that much of the information we have is often conflicting, and much is left up for debate. However, it is generally believed that ejaculation is neither pee nor cervical fluid that can lead to wetness during arousal.

Ejaculation is also different then squirting, although the two are often lumped together. While an ejaculatory orgasm typically includes a smaller release of a clear fluid substance, squirting often defines a more explosive gush of fluids from the urethra that may include a combination of urine and ejaculation released by the Skene’s gland.

Both ejaculation and squirting are completely normal and enjoyable types of sexual release — as is an orgasm that expels no substance at all! So try not to worry about what your orgasm looks like and focus on the pleasure of tension building and releasing — however your body experiences it — and how doing so in tandem with a partner may elevate your sexual connection. 

Common obstacles to coming together.

There are a few to keep in mind, some mental, some physical.

Most people with vulvas can’t climax from penetration alone. 70%, actually, and combining penetration with clitoral stimulation – especially if that stimulation needs to be intense and sustained – takes coordination.

People with penises can climax much sooner. The average time from penetration to orgasm is 5.5 minutes for people with penises worldwide. People with vulvas can take 10-20 minutes, or even longer.

Another potential roadblock: Lack of communication about what you need. In popular media, simultaneous orgasm is often depicted as just happening, as if by magic – the implication being that if you’re that turned on, coming together is effortless. But it’s just not true. Our bodies and needs are unique, so make sure you know yours, and share them! 

Psychological pressure can also rock the boat — and not in a fun way. If the goal takes over, we can forget we’re supposed to be experiencing pleasure… which reduces arousal… which makes any orgasms, simultaneous or not, less accessible.

How to get past them. 

If coming together isn’t easy, or even very challenging, there’s nothing wrong with you! It just might take a little extra effort.

Practice with mutual masturbation. If you masturbate together, you’ll have a much better idea of what you need to climax, and where your areas of overlap are. Make mutual masturbation the main event sometime, and don’t worry about penetrative sex. Just watch and learn.

The person with the clitoris takes charge. This requires knowing yourself – what turns you on and what gets you off, what positions feel best to you, what timing you need, and, if what you need is clitoral stimulation, how you or your partner can achieve the best access. 

The person with the clitoris takes matters into their own hands. By our way of thinking, touching yourself during penetration is by far the easiest way to get to a simultaneous O. Many people are self-conscious about it, or worry that it “doesn’t count” somehow – believe us, it definitely counts, and if you’re hesitant, talk to your partner about how you feel. They might be relieved to have some of the pressure off.

Breathe in sync. Depending on who you listen to, this technique may convey mystical powers, or it might just get the two of you out of your heads and into your bodies, aligned in a profound way – which is what you’re going for.

Toys and tools. Vibrating cockrings, wand or bullet vibes (in anyone’s hands), and even vibrating buttplugs can add that little extra “oomph” you need. Once again, don’t worry if you need an assist to boost your arousal – however you get there is great! And don’t forget the lube.

Count down. It might sound a little odd, but for some couples, a slow, sexy “10… 9… 8…” can add just the right kind of pressure and result in a successful launch, straight into orbit.

Decenter intercourse. There are so many ways to achieve simultaneous orgasm without penetration. Use your imagination, share ideas and see what you come up with – you might surprise yourselves.

A word on coital alignment technique.

CAT, colloquially known as “grinding the corn,” is a variation on the missionary position that focuses penetration in a vertical direction instead of horizontal, so the shaft of the penis rubs against the clitoris on its way in and out.

This can work very well for two reasons: it provides that all-important clitoral stimulation, and the slower thrust and shallower angle can buy more time for the penis-having half of the equation. (Or the dildo-wielding!)

It is a bit of an advanced technique that doesn’t accommodate some body shapes, so if you can’t pull it off, don’t worry about it! But like many Sex Tricks, it’s fun to try even if it doesn’t necessarily “work” as intended, and practice and patience make perfect.

Take your time.

When it comes to sex, we’re generally opposed to capital-G Goals. The journey is often more surprising, inspiring and enjoyable than the destination, and striving for a specific outcome can turn physical intimacy into something more like a past-due work project than transcendent mutual pleasure. 

In sex and in life, we can sometimes achieve surprising results by not trying to – letting go of a linear, goal-driven narrative altogether and just being where we are, paying attention, and feeling everything we possibly can.

And sometimes success even sneaks up on us and leaves us breathless. However you get there, that sounds good to us!

The Bottom Line

When it comes to coming together, focus on whichever type of orgasm brings you the most pleasure — don’t be afraid to experiment with different types of stimulation as well (don’t forget about anal sex)! 

More than anything, working towards experiencing a climax together is about building trust and intimacy while having fun and seeking pleasure together — whether it reaches a synchronized-swimmer level of synchronicity or an attempt that ends with each of you marching to the beat of your own orgasms. 

So go grab your boo and any toys or oils of choice, and enjoy each other! 

Sources:

Clitoris: Anatomy, Location, Purpose & Conditions | Cleveland Clinic

The Biggest-Ever Orgasm Study Tells Us More About How Women Come | Vice

Beyond the G-spot: clitourethrovaginal complex anatomy in female orgasm | Natural Reviews Urology

Female ejaculation and squirting as similar but completely different phenomena: A narrative review of current research “ Clinical Anatomy 

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