Alexandra Roxo is the author of the bestselling book F*ck Like a Goddess: Heal Yourself, Reclaim Your Voice, Stand in Your Power (Sounds True). She has appeared as an expert on season two of the hit Netflix show Too Hot to Handle and Viceland’s Slutever. Check out her podcast Holy F*ck for weekly shows featuring experts on all things sexuality and spirituality.
We were thrilled to ask her about one of her specialties, a subject that’s too often overlooked – the importance of emotional intimacy in sex and physical pleasure. We’re not robots – let’s not make love like robots! (Unless that’s your thing. We don’t judge.)
How Emotional Intimacy Can Make Sex Hotter Than Ever
When is the last time you saw in porn, or even a Hollywood film, a couple having an honest conversation about how they are feeling in their bodies before, during or after sex, and ackowledging the sacred magic of the experience?
It is rare.
Speaking from the heart about what is happening in your inside world creates a bridge between you and your lover. Emotional expression can be a visceral, embodied invitation to come closer, inviting them out of their head and into the here and now, and the full, embodied, juicy experience at hand.
This can support you if things are going well, just to share that you are loving what is happening, or it can support you to have the courage to lovingly ask for what you need when things aren’t going well – from your heart not head. Not defenses, not criticism, but emotional vulnerability – which is sexy and inviting – as opposed to criticism – which is a fast turnoff in a sexual moment.
Now, when I say “sharing” I’m not saying that you turn sex into a therapy session. That’s another place people get stuck in….overprocessing, oververbalizing and letting that mysterious, delicious zing get stolen by too much thinking and too much talking….
Nope, that is not what I mean… I mean true, openhearted vulnerability. I mean learning first how to feel safe in your own body enough to open your heart. Not just the organ, but the spiritual, emotional, deep and infinite heart…. so that love can pour through you. So that you aren’t stuck in your head, wondering “Am I doing it right? Do I smell okay? Should I turn the music up a bit? Why don’t they go slower like I asked ....”
So that you learn how to turn off the mind’s incessant queries and drop into the magic of the heart, body, and soul.
This is where sex turns blissful and feels liberating! Like you are running naked on the beach. Your cares can melt away. Your mind can go quiet. You can feel absolutely free.
So WHY would you wanna have this whole, embodied, emotionally vulnerable sex?
- To turn off the mind’s busy 24/7 radio station for a while.
- To soak up the physiological benefits of sex – how it can support your nervous system and body’s chemistry.
- To experience sex as a sacred ritual, where a little bit of that divine vibe gets into you.
- To get more of what you actually want during sex.
And how do you do this?
First, you need to get out of your own head and connect to your own body and heart.
Here are a few ways to do that...
- MAKE SOUNDS. Stop talking and make sounds. Not porn sounds, but real, authentic sounds. You may need to practice this first solo, while masturbating. You may sound like a wild chimp or squeaking bird. You may sound guttural and low, like a Viking warrior in battle. You may cry like a baby. You may laugh like a wild witch! All are okay! Stop judging and just surrender to whatever is moving through you. Practice!
- Practice feeling your heart and staying out of your head while you make love solo or with another. Ask yourself...Can I feel love and intimacy? Am I in my head? Where is my awareness? On tomorrow? On dinner? On our future? If you are a meditator, great! Track your awareness as you have sex. If you’re not, that is A-OK! Just notice where you can feel emotion in your body, and then notice sensation. You are learning how to be in your body and it can take time. Practice as often as you like! Place your awareness on your nipples or clit while in the grocery. Practice off the bed, and when you get in the bedroom you can stay out of that head!
- BREATHE. If you have never done breathwork, try it! Your breath is your ally in sex. (So is YouTube.) Stay close to it. (I have a free practice on Insight Timer, and there are many more there as well!)
To learn how to share from that heart space and not the bus,y critical judgmental mind:
- Speak from the HEART….practice: “I feel”, not “I think”. Practice statements that live in your body. “I feel alive when you…” or “I feel a bit anxious when you…” You don’t need to discuss WHY you may feel anxious about butt play with your partner in the moment. You can just acknowledge it, breathe and stay in your body as much as possible. Or stop and feel what’s coming up together. This may be during a break, between changing positions, or when you’re putting some lube on. Choose the moment wisely when you share.
- Responding with Love vs. Reacting. If your partner does something abrupt that you don’t like, practice breathing and speaking from love. Saying “WTF? I didn’t say you could stick a finger up my ass!” has a real different vibe from “Ow! I feel scared and closed off to that. Can we take a break and connect for a second?” Speak from fierce love, tender love, soft love. Your vulnerability will open the moment.
- Stop, breathe and connect with eye contact. Not necessarily doing a tantric eye-gazing ritual (but if that’s your jam go for it)! I’m saying pause, breathe, and look into each other’s eyes. Learn to look into those yummy soul windows and drink in that goodness. Yes, it can feel vulnerable, but it can also feel insanely hot.
I wish you luck in taking your sex game from habit or casual to something a bit deeper, that nourishes you in different ways, that lengthens that post coital glow into a blissful buzz that penetrates the next day, that is a natural anti-anxiety med, that connects you to the mytersious energy of the divine and ultimately to your self.
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