How to Keep the Spark Alive: 10 Things to Try With Your Partner This Summer

Talk Pleasure to Me

Somatic sex educator Nichole Katsikas shares simple ways to bring more novelty, connection, and pleasure to your relationship this season.

Talk Pleasure to Me is our series where we talk to experts on sex, relationships, and caring for your body (& mind) so you can get inspired on your pleasure journey and learn from the best.

Nichole Katsikas is a certified sexological bodyworker and somatic sex educator. Nichole works with individuals and couples virtually and in-person in Los Angeles. Her work explores the intersection of the body, sexuality, grief, shame, and freedom, creating spaces of permission where people can deepen their self-understanding and embrace the fullness and complexity of being alive. 

When people talk about "losing the spark" in a long-term relationship, what are they usually experiencing?

I think they are experiencing the natural shift from curiosity to familiarity. When you are with someone for a long time, you naturally get to know them. You learn their body, you learn what they like and what they don’t like. And then, sometimes, you might stop exploring, because you feel like you already know the lay of the land. But our bodies change over time as our hormones change. And our experiences change us, too. What turned us on at 25 might not turn us on at 35, 45, or 55, etc. The person you met 2, 6, 10 or 20 years ago is not the same person today. There is always something new to learn about yourself and your partner.

When my clients talk about wanting to reignite the fire in their relationship, I invite them to bring curiosity back, both in and out of the bedroom. 

Why does novelty play such an important role in sustaining attraction and erotic connection?

The brain is our largest sex organ and it craves newness. That’s why when we repeat the same thing over time with the same result, we may be less excited by it. Mystery and discovery fuels desire. But that doesn’t mean that newness has to mean new partners. Novelty can come from a shift in mindset, like staying curious about the way you and your partner evolve over time. 

What role does playfulness have in maintaining intimacy, and why do so many couples stop prioritizing it? 

Sex IS play, and it’s an important part of how we express ourselves as humans. Being seen in our sexual expression by our partners helps us feel connected. And on that same thread of curiosity, how we want to play (and express ourselves) can vary day by day. It can be hard to tap into playful energy when life feels rigid, chaotic or overwhelming. But I think that’s when it’s most needed and impactful in our relationships. 

When we stop prioritizing playfulness, we default to what is known or established. Certainty might help us feel safe, which is essential for intimacy. But too much certainty, especially in our sex lives, can contribute to that feeling of “losing the spark”. Playful curiosity can be a helpful antidote. 

If you were creating a "Summer Intimacy Bucket List" for couples, what would be your top 10 recommendations?

1. Get outside. Nature is horny, let it inspire you! Look at the way animals flirt with each other, the way the wind will blow up a skirt, how the sun kisses your skin. I believe the further we are from our connection with nature, the less alive we feel, the less EROTIC we feel. Being in nature is a powerful aphrodisiac, it can connect us to our playful and primal energy. 

2. Make-out more. Make-out for the sake of making out, as the main event, as much as you can. Make out at a picnic, on the beach, at the flea market, in a secluded corner of the bookstore, at the airport gate…

3. Sundress and no panties. Enough said.

4. Slow down. The days are longer and time (can) feel like it slows down in the summer. Bring this energy into your intimacy. How slowly can you touch each other? Savour each other like the ripest, most delicious strawberries of the season. 

5. Have a staycation weekend, or even just a staycation day if that’s what is available. Each partner can choose a few places or activities that you would enjoy as a tourist in your own city or town. One of those activities might be a 3 pm ‘afternoon delight’ back home or in the hotel room before getting ready for dinner ;)

6. Pack your favorite book of naughty short stories with your picnic or beach bag and take turns reading to each other (read our tips for how to read erotica together here). 

7. Take a sensual class together: cooking, salsa dancing, shibari, Tantra, or a figure drawing class with a live nude model. 

8. Bathe each other. Washing each other’s body and hair is so intimate. Remember #4! Take your time and let this sensual experience be enough. If it leads to sex, that’s great, but don’t make it the goal. Allow yourself to linger in the sensations of the water, the soap, and your partner’s touch. 

9. Go skinny-dipping. If you have access to a private pool, amazing. If not, find a secluded river or a nude beach where you can comfortably splash around. The potential for ‘getting caught’ is part of the thrill, but use discretion. 

10. Create a shared summer playlist. Take turns adding songs that make you feel nostalgic, playful, naughty, romantic, and alive. Play it while you cook dinner, drive with the windows down, or make-out on the couch. 

If a couple only had one weekend this summer to reconnect, what would you recommend they do?

1. Friday: Grab my Inspired Eros guide and spend thirty minutes to an hour filling it out solo. Then go somewhere private and comfortable where the two of you can share your answers together. Don’t schedule anything else for the rest of the night. 

2. Saturday: Brick your phones, or at least put them on Do Not Disturb. Go to the farmer’s market and stock up on the most delicious summer fruits and vegetables. Make it an embodied experience: smell the produce, feel it, delight in the colors and the textures together. Choose based on what your bodies are craving — don’t bring a shopping list. Visit a sex shop and treat it like a trip to the candy store for adults. What do you want to try? Refer back to your answers in the Inspired Eros guide. Look at everything together. What makes you giggle, blush, or horny? Bring your new toys home. Then gather up all the cozy and comfortable things in your home like pillows, blankets, and sheets and bring them into your living room to make a nest. Spend the rest of the day playing songs for each other, sharing your favorite memories together, feeding each other and exploring some of the curiosities and fantasies you uncovered from the guide. 

3. Sunday: Pick an activity from the “Summer Bucket List” above and try it out!

What are some simple, low-pressure activities couples can try to create more novelty and excitement together?

1. Role play that includes dressing up or some sort of adornment. There are so many good scenarios in my Inspired Eros guide.

2. One-way touch. This is when one person gives, and the other person receives. When we take the pressure of reciprocity, it’s easier to deeply relax into the present moment. We can access so much more pleasure from this place AND learn so much about our bodies- whether we are the ones receiving OR giving. Switch roles (who is giving and who is receiving) the next day, or the next week. 

3. Share erotic stories, erotic audio or porn that turns you on.

4. Play together in a room or a space you don’t normally have sex in. Laundry room? Kitchen? Hallway? Garage?

Are there any outdoor experiences or summer-specific date ideas that can help partners feel more connected?

• I think a picnic is the perfect place to be romantic and horny. It’s usually easier to find a secluded spot for a picnic than it is at the beach. 

• County fairs can be a lot of fun because they inspire playfulness and can help you tap into some of that carefree, teenage energy most of us remember from summers past. 

• I also love flea markets for similar reasons. There is so much novelty (and nostalgia) to be discovered. You get to wander, explore, and show each other what catches your eye. This inevitably inspires conversation and learning something new about each other. 

• Simple shared experiences like these can deepen intimacy and help us feel more connected. You don’t have to get on a plane and spend a week on vacation (but if you can, even better!).

What are some common mistakes couples make when trying to reignite passion?

1. Approaching with the intention to “fix” rather than to reconnect and discover.

2. Focusing on blame, whether the blame is on circumstances or each other.

3. Repeating the same thing while hoping for a different outcome, instead of creating opportunities for novelty, play, and discovery.

4. Not being honest with each other, or yourself, about what you desire and need.

What’s the best way to bring up trying something new with your partner?

First, choose a time when your partner is available for a conversation (IE: not when they are on their way to pick up the kids or meet a stressful deadline). Come to them with the desire to connect rather than the desire to “fix” something. If you let your partner know that you want to try something new because you’d love to feel more connected, because you’re curious, or because something genuinely turns you on, they’re more likely to feel invited into the experience. On the other hand, if you tell your partner “I’m bored” or “we need to spice things up,” they might feel defensive vs. open and receptive, even if they are into what you are suggesting. And lastly, if they need to think about it, that’s okay! Allow these conversations to be ever-evolving, just like your relationship. 

Where You Can Find Nichole:

Website: www.nicholekatsikas.com

Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/nicholekatsikas

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