Expert Tips for a Healthier Sex Life: Dr. Joy on Desire, Communication & Intimacy: Bonus Question

Talk Pleasure to Me is our series where we talk to experts on sex, relationships, and caring for your body (& mind) so you can get inspired on your pleasure journey and learn from the best.

Dr Joy Berkheimer is a Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist, sexologist, dating coach, author and speaker. A radical force for self-expression, Joy helps womxn cultivate self-love, and empowers them to fully embody their sexuality so that they may become their best authentic and liberated selves. A maverick and an innovator in her space, Joy utilizes experiential therapy modalities and research-driven methodologies rooted in mindfulness, somatic experiences and psychology to help clients make impactful changes in the way they approach the world and how they maintain healthy relationships with others. In a society which strongly enforces codes of behavior regarding sexual orientation and gender identity, Dr Joy’s groundbreaking work as a polyamorous, sex-positive therapist, provides a safe space for clients to honor and accept themselves. Joy holds a Master’s degree with dual specialties in Marriage, Family & Couples Therapy, and Mental Health Counseling, as well as a Ph.D. in Clinical Sexology. Dr Joy’s research during her PhD has given her the space to create and utilize her own therapeutic modality with clients, that she has lovingly called F.A.R. (Freedom, Acceptance & Relationships) Therapy ®.

Through her work as a therapist, speaker and author, Joy offers life-changing strategies, tips, and techniques for creating meaningful relationships. An acclaimed speaker and the creator of the Glow Your Goddess ® Movement, Joy leads sensual yoga, intimacy and sexuality workshops, talk therapy, brain-spotting, tantric chakra interventions, meditation and one on one counseling to help women to cultivate self-love, form abundant connections with the right partners and embody their most genuine selves. A published author, Joy is the writer of the 5-star rated book  “Why Won’t He Call?” and recently released her second in the book series, “Why Hasn’t She Answered the Call?”. Using her Dear Joy instagram live advice series and The Glow Your Goddess Podcast, Joy has touched thousands of people with her practical, soul-affirming advice on pleasure, passion, and self-discovery.

We chatted with Dr. Joy about how to deepen intimacy, improve communication, build emotional safety, and reignite desire in long-term relationships. She shares common intimacy blocks, how to reconnect with pleasure through embodiment, the importance of safety in erotic experiences, and practical tools couples can use to strengthen their connection.

Whether you’re seeking relationship advice, looking to enhance your sex life, or wanting to understand the foundations of healthy intimacy, this conversation offers evidence-based insights and supportive guidance that you can start actioning tonight. 

You help women become their most radiant, full selves. How does this “inner glow up” translate to deeper connection in relationships?

I’ve been playing with the concept of a “purple print” — like a blueprint, but intuitive. It’s the way we move intentionally, authentically, and connected to our own definition of love. No one else can define that for us.

I help women tap into their intuitive path and redefine what love feels like in their body, spirit, and mind. We start with understanding our actual needs — the things we were missing before — not being angry about it, but being aware. Once you understand that space in yourself, you walk into relationships aligned with it.

What are the most common blocks preventing women from being present during sex and emotional intimacy?

A lot of women I work with come from sensually oppressive cultures. Even if they’re different cultures, they often share a manipulative or controlling aspect around sensuality. We learn to move within the lines of what our family or community has put forth.

It’s like having lifelong back pain — you don’t realize you were in pain until it’s gone. The biggest barrier is helping someone understand the absence of pain. And when someone starts discovering sensual parts of themselves, they may get pushback from family or community who want them to maintain the old structure.

So the barrier becomes helping someone be brave enough to be a generational curse breaker.

What role does safety play in erotic embodiment and intimacy?

Safety is huge. But we define safety based on what we knew before — even if that wasn’t truly safe. So when something new is actually safe, the body still reads it as unfamiliar.

In tantric work with couples or sensual yoga with women, we practice helping the body feel safe. One example is rope tying — self-tying. I let people decide what the rope means to them so they can reclaim power. If the rope means “I’m wrapping myself in safety,” they learn what safety feels like in their body.

Without that feeling, the body won’t open. We’re programmed to protect, so we close up. Another person can interpret that as rejection when really it’s the body asking, “Is it safe to be vulnerable here?”

What are the top predictors of a sustainable, nourishing relationship?

When couples come to me early, it’s easier. I have them do a quadrant exercise around four values:

• Finances
• Intimacy
• Spirituality
• Health

Individually, they write what these values look like in their ideal relationship. The downfall is not speaking out loud what your values are. Values can shift, but I want couples speaking the same language.

I once had a couple who refused to do the quadrant because they knew when they put it on paper, the relationship wouldn’t align. That’s the key — honesty around values.

What contributes to a happy sex life for couples?

Play. Being friends. Being unafraid to say “weird” things. There shouldn’t be pressure. You should be able to laugh together.

Being safe means knowing you’re not alone in things. The expectation in a partnership is that you don’t have to survive everything by yourself.

What practices can couples try right away to support emotional connection?

Eye gazing — it’s intimate but safe. Some couples I work with start with two weeks of sitting on a partner’s lap and just looking at each other. No touching. After two weeks: “Now you can kiss me.” “Now you can hold me tighter.”

It’s vulnerable. Attachment styles affect how comfortable we are with eye contact. But when you can do it with your partner, it builds safety.

Breathing together also helps — even just touching hands or looking at each other’s shoulders. You start to share the same wavelength.

How do you define pleasure? And how can people invite more of it into daily life?

Pleasure is unexpected giggles. Embodied liberation. Freedom.

Pleasure is presence. There is no pleasure without presence. It’s the intentional experience of what’s here — the quiet, the bird, the water, the food.

I’m in South Florida and I walk a lot. I’ve seen peacocks, colors I’d never seen. Because I let myself be present. Even when I’m in pain or joy, it goes back to pleasure because I allow it.

Be mindful with everything you’re doing. Pleasure comes from presence.

What do you wish couples — especially long-term or with kids — understood about desire?

There’s a biological truth: desire may take longer. It doesn’t mean you can’t become aroused. Partners need to understand this.

Women also need to know this about themselves so they don’t shut down prematurely. You might not feel like it — but you might if you let yourself. Don’t sabotage those moments.

Life changes relationships: kids, illness, job changes, pandemics. Every relationship is several relationships. You’re meeting new versions of each other over time. Show that you’re still choosing each other — that builds safety and desire.

How do plant-based formulas like Foria’s support your practice?

What introduced me to using products in pleasure was Foria — your Awaken Arousal Oil. My partner and I used a little set, and from there it was on.

Anything that removes the barriers of old truths and expectations should be part of the practice. For a couples event I have coming up, we’re using Awaken because it helps people connect to their bodies and each other.

Some couples struggle because a partner feels ashamed or inadequate about needing support — even something as simple as oil. Education normalizes it. Sometimes the oil is an easier entry point than a toy. Both are valuable.

My favorites are the Intimacy Melts suppositories and the Awaken Arousal Oil — especially used together.

Bonus Question: For couples or individuals wanting a sacred or ritual approach to intimacy, what do you recommend?

Make it part of your schedule. Not just “we’re having sex on Tuesdays,” but: “We are going to slow down today, honor each other in this way.”

As individuals, sensual meditations are powerful — breathwork to tap into erogenous zones. I just created a throat chakra (or neck) as an erogenous zone series for activating yourself. This is something that you can do on your own or with a partner.

Setting aside intentional time like this tells your body: “This is important. I deserve pleasure.” Pleasure is a necessity. We look at food, water, work, money, these things as necessity. But pleasure is actually one of those things that we are supposed to and should have.

Where can people find you and your offerings?

Find everything at joyberkheimer.com.

I host a monthly master class called Silent, Sacred, and Sensual where couples sit with me for an hour without speaking and learn intimate ways to communicate.

I also have the Eros and Essence in-person tantra event in Tampa. Couples will do sensual tying, tantric exercises, and have their energy depicted in art by an onsite artist.

Wanna be interviewed for this series?

The Foria Practitioner Program is accepting applications from professionals with expertise in women’s health who wish to recommend Foria products to their clients and professional network To be part of the practitioner program, please apply to our affiliate program. Learn more and apply.

 

Want more? Sign up for our newsletter

By entering your email, you are agreeing to our terms and conditions and understand our privacy policy.