An Introduction to Kink by Lexi Inks: Exploring Pleasure, Power, and Your Desires

by Foria Wellness
Aug 12, 2026

Talk Pleasure to Me

Sexologist Lexi Inks breaks down what kink really means and how you can start experimenting solo or with a partner.

Talk Pleasure to Me is our series where we talk to experts on sex, relationships, and caring for your body (& mind) so you can get inspired on your pleasure journey and learn from the best.

Lexi Inks is an ABS certified sexologist, content creator, podcast host of "Lex Be Real", and a sex and relationships journalist. Her writing can be found in Bustle, Cosmopolitan, Refinery29, BBC, Glamour, Women's Health, Popsugar, InStyle, and many others. Lexi has always been passionate about promoting research-backed sexual health and wellness education and sex positivity for all identities. In her free time, you can find her spending time outdoors with her two rescue dogs, Remi and Milo, and drinking entirely too much Diet Coke.

Kink can feel intimidating if you're new to it. There are so many different types of play, terms, and ways to explore that it can be hard to know where to start. But kink is also deeply personal, customizable, and accessible to everyone—from couples looking to explore together to solo individuals who want to learn more about their own desires.

In this conversation, sexologist and journalist Lexi Inks shares an approachable introduction to kink, including how to explore it with a partner, how to begin on your own, the role of power dynamics, and why kink can be an empowering way to reconnect with your body and pleasure.

What is kink, and what does it encompass?

I usually like to refer to kink as an umbrella or a spectrum—or both. It's a term that describes a wide variety of sexual desires and preferences, and sometimes even things that people need sexually to feel aroused, experience pleasure, or really experience the full embodiment of who they are as a sexual person.

Kink is a way to explore all of the aspects of who you are as a sexual being. It goes across a very wide spectrum, from the most tame things that people might say, “Yeah, I've done that before,” to things that can feel very intense or intimidating.

Kink is often stigmatized or misunderstood. People might think of whips and chains, BDSM, or Fifty Shades of Grey—and while those can all be aspects of kink, kink is so customizable and personal to so many people. For some, it's a huge part of their lifestyle or identity. It's really a wide-open way to explore every part of who you are as a sexual person.

Why do you think kink can feel so intimidating to people who are new to it?

There’s so much to explore that it can feel overwhelming. But kink can also be a really approachable way to explore your sexuality.

Sometimes people have kinky desires without realizing it. Then they encounter something for the first time and suddenly feel their body or mind respond. They might think, “That’s kind of unexpected—but I’m into it.” I love that kink can be a little off-kilter, but in a good way. It can defy the norms and offer something different.

If someone is curious about kink but has no idea where to start, what do you recommend?

For couples, I recommend setting aside a night to explore together. Make it fun, relaxed, and approachable—almost like a date night in.

Each of you can make a list of fantasies, desires, or things you might be curious to try. Write down things you’ve read about in books, seen in movies, heard on podcasts, or encountered in porn or audio erotica. You can also include things you’ve thought about but never expressed to your partner.

It can be as simple as, “I want you to tie my hands,” or “I want to try roleplay.”

Then take turns sharing your lists. This creates a space where both people can contribute without one person feeling pressured. You can see where your lists overlap and whether there are things you’re both mutually interested in exploring.

Why can sharing your fantasies be valuable, even if you never act on them?

Kink often involves subconscious desires (things that can be difficult to say out loud or that feel both exciting and a little nerve-wracking to ask for). Many couples probably have shared interests or fantasies they’ve never actually talked about. Even if you never act on them, learning what your partner is deeply turned on by—and allowing them to learn the same about you—can create a powerful kind of intimacy. There’s something meaningful about developing a shared understanding of each other’s desires.

What is it about power dynamics that can feel so erotic?

I think a lot of it comes down to the push and pull. There are so many different ways to experience power dynamics. You can be a switch, a dominant, a submissive, a brat, a master, or a masochist.

Some people live out a power dynamic as part of their everyday lives. There are people who identify as “24/7,” meaning their dynamic is present both in and outside of the bedroom. That can take many forms, from the way people speak to each other to something symbolic that represents the dynamic. For some people, there’s a thrill in having a private dynamic that exists between you and your partner.

Power dynamics can also offer a sense of release. Someone who carries a lot of responsibility in their daily life may find submission incredibly freeing. If you spend much of your life making decisions, it can feel like a relief to consciously let go of that control in the bedroom and allow someone else to take the lead.

For a dominant, the appeal may be the opposite. Maybe they don’t have that kind of power in their everyday life, and experiencing it in the bedroom feels exciting and empowering.

What are some accessible ways for couples to begin exploring kink?

I always recommend starting small. You don’t necessarily know where your hard limits are, so easing into things gives you space to discover what feels good. You can start with something as simple as a scarf, sheet, or pillowcase. These can be used as a blindfold or for light restraint, but you can also simply explore the texture.

Sensory play is a very accessible way to explore kink. You can experiment with feathers or other tactile objects, play with temperature using ice cubes or other cold objects, or explore body-safe wax. Taking away one of your senses can also create a different experience. If you can’t see or hear what’s happening, you may become more focused on the sensations in your body and the anticipation of not knowing what’s coming next. Start small and learn what your body responds to. From there, you can decide whether you want more of it, less of it, or something different altogether.

How can exploring kink deepen intimacy between partners?

Exploring kink can increase pleasure and bring novelty into your sex life, but it can also strengthen intimacy. You’re creating a shared experience that can help you connect physically and emotionally. There’s also an element of trust involved, particularly when you’re taking things slowly and allowing yourself to be vulnerable with a partner. Kink can introduce newness and adventure into a relationship, but it also requires communication, safety, trust, and connection. That combination can make it a beautiful way to deepen intimacy.

What should people know before trying spanking or other forms of impact or pain play?

Spanking, hair pulling, and choking can all be accessible ways to begin exploring pain play, which is one aspect of BDSM and falls under the broader umbrella of kink. With any kind of impact or pain play, enthusiastic and clear consent is essential. Start gently and communicate throughout the experience.

For spanking, you can begin with your hands and a soft palm. Using more surface area creates a softer, more diffuse impact, while using your fingertips creates more concentrated pressure and a sharper sensation. Most importantly, keep checking in. Ask how something feels and whether your partner wants more or less.

It’s also important to check in with yourself. Don’t agree to something simply because you want to please your partner. You’re allowed to say, “That’s my limit.” You’re also allowed to say, “I really like that. I want more.”

What about choking?

You don’t have to restrict someone’s breathing to explore the sensation of a hand around the throat. Simply placing a hand there with little or no pressure can feel edgy or exciting for some people. Starting with a low level of intensity is a way to explore the feeling without jumping immediately to something more extreme. If you do explore pressure around the neck, safety is extremely important. Avoid putting pressure directly on the trachea or windpipe. Any activity involving the neck carries risks, so it’s important to approach it with extreme caution and communicate clearly throughout.

What are some things to keep in mind when exploring hair pulling?

Start with a larger section of hair rather than grabbing a small piece. Pulling a small section can create sharper, more concentrated pressure. Grabbing more of the hair distributes the pressure more evenly. From there, you can gradually explore what feels good and how much intensity you want. As with any kind of impact or pain play, communication is essential. Start slowly and pay attention to how your body is responding. Even simply placing a hand on someone’s neck or grabbing their hair can create a feeling of possessive or dominant energy. Sometimes that sensation alone can be enough. Take it low and slow.

How can someone explore kink if they’re single or don’t have a steady partner?

It can be an incredibly exciting way to explore. A lot of people think, “I can’t tie myself up,” but there are so many things you can do on your own. When you explore kink as a single, solo, or self-partnered person, you have the time and space to focus entirely on yourself. You get to run the show, be the show, and experience the show all at the same time. It’s also a powerful way to learn more about yourself. Even if you eventually want a partner, you’ll be much more informed about your own desires and what you want to communicate in future relationships.

What are some ways to start exploring kink solo?

You can start by creating a kinky bucket list. Write down things you’ve read about in books, seen in movies or porn, heard about on podcasts, or simply noticed your body responding to. Then think about what feels accessible to explore on your own. Sensory play is a great place to start. You can experiment with different textures, sheets, toys, or new ways of using toys you already have.

If you’re interested in pain play or impact play, there are ways to explore that solo as well. You can also explore rope bondage, including shibari. I’ve attended girls’ nights where we’d have charcuterie and wine and learn shibari together, watching workshops and practicing on ourselves and each other.

Shibari is an art that can be explored on your own or with others. Of course, safety is incredibly important. If you’re using rope or other materials, always have appropriate safety tools nearby, such as scissors that can cut through the material. As long as you’re being safe and taking things step by step, there are so many ways to learn more about your body and desires—and then bring those desires to life.

What is one of the most important things to remember when exploring kink?

Shame and stigma can have a huge impact on how free we feel in our sexuality and how much pleasure we’re able to experience. Sometimes shame comes from our upbringing or society. Sometimes it comes from the people around us. And sometimes, we’re our own biggest kink shamers. I think kink can be an opportunity to empower yourself as a sexual being. No matter where you fall on the spectrum, it can be a way to get into your body and remind yourself: I deserve this. I am worthy of pleasure. I am worthy of exploring my desires. Everyone deserves to feel pleasure, happiness, and fulfillment. If kink helps you feel that way, that’s amazing. Use it as a way to challenge shame and stigma. Nobody is allowed to make you feel ashamed of your desires. At the end of the day, you get to decide how you feel about yourself. If kink is something that makes you feel good, explore it.

Where can people find more of your work?

I’m on Instagram and TikTok at @LexiInks. I also have a Substack where I write about sex and relationships from more of a journalistic perspective.

I have a podcast called Lex Be Real, which is a sex and dating podcast, and I also offer sex and relationship coaching through my website.

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